Diana planned a home birth for her first baby, but developed symptoms of pre-eclampsia and was hospitalised for twelve days at the end of her pregnancy, undergoing five doses of Prostin in an attempt to induce her labour. When all that was unsuccessful, Diana agreed to an elective caesarean. This story was sent to the Homebirth UK email group email group 11 days after baby Maia was born, and Diana was still having difficulty coming to terms with what had happened, so be prepared for some raw, but honest, feelings.
Reading the birth stories in recent days have been difficult. Our own birth story was as far from perfect as we could have envisaged. It seems almost wrong to post it to a home birth website. But I hope, if nothing else, it will be cathartic for me and possibly encourage others to seek the birth they really want.
I can't tell you why. But I've known since I was a teenager that should I give birth, it would be at home. Or so I thought. In recent years, three very close friends had experienced both hospital and home births - all preferring their home birth experiences. This made it all the more natural that I would opt for a home birth.
When earlier this year I found myself pregnant I researched the Internet for information and read Sheila Kitzinger's Home Birth book -before contacting my local community midwives. [We by-passed the GP]. The birthing pool was booked and delivered. And as the date approached we bought supplies - including plenty of ready-made food for the midwives.
My biggest fear was that staff shortages would mean that no NHS midwife was available. However we discovered the Crowborough Birthing Centre - and booked in there as a backstop just weeks before the birth.
Then on December 3 our midwife came for my 38-week check. My blood pressure, it appeared, was up and I had two plusses of protein in my urine. As I felt well I couldn't understand the fuss, but agreed to pop up to Pembury Hospital for some checks. By afternoon my blood pressure was above 100 and I started a 12-day stay in hospital.
For the first few days I was convinced that doctors and midwives were over-reacting. And for days I really believed that my blood pressure would go down and I could go home to give birth.
Oddly enough I felt that I had insufficient information while in hospital. Fortunately Cliff had access to the Internet during the day and was able to research pre-eclampsia, here, and on the APEC site. I'm thankful for all of the people who posted replies to him. I was in denial, but eventually admitted that my symptoms were much worse than those mentioned in this group. [My blood pressure hit 118 at one point - despite taking Lobetolol, and I had up to four plusses of protein in my urine].
At the end of day three in hospital the doctors managed to convince me that I should be induced. Although I felt devastated at the time, I still believed that I could at least use the birthing pool at the hospital if the prostin had brought on labour.
It wasn't to be. I was given five doses of prostin. [Three is the norm, but the doctors knew that I was a difficult character to convince and offered two more doses.] Each dose had less of an effect than the previous one. The doctors kept referring to the cervix being posterior. I didn't at the time understand the significance of this. Had I realised that it meant my cervix was nowhere near opening, I don't think we would have proceeded with the last two doses.
By Sunday evening, two and a half days after we started the prostin, the doctors said they could see no other option but to give me a caesarian in the morning. Even then my denial continued. I had lower back pain and contractions from the prostin and hoped both indicated that I was going into labour. I wasn't. By morning the contractions had gone. The consultant spoke to us and said with my symptoms we may have a day or two up our sleeves. But the pregnancy [39 weeks and 1 day by that stage] could go on for weeks. After taking time out to talk about it together, we agreed to the caesarian.
We could have waited a few days, or even a few weeks. But who knows what the outcome could have been. If we had held out and Maia had died, how would I feel then?
At some point during the morning I was given a form to sign giving the go-ahead. I felt tearful and frightened. By the time the procedure began I was resigned to it, but emotional. The process itself appeared to go very quickly. Or perhaps I have blocked it out of my mind. Our daughter Maia was born at 12.35pm, on December 11.
My overwhelming feelings in the 48 hours after the birth were of failure. Failure as a woman, I think. But I still need to investigate this. I remember saying to Cliff that I had to make sure that I didn't let my feelings come between Maia and I. They aren't, as far as I can tell.
Many people, including ourselves, have said we did the best for our daughter by agreeing to the caesarian. I really don't think we had any choice. And yet I still see myself as a failure for having a caesarian.
It never occured to me that there were reasons other than a failed vaginal delivery to have a caesarian.
What's more, I still can't help feel that women who have caesarians have somehow given up. Even I can see this is unfair. But the thought won't go away. I should say at this point that I have been offered the loan of a book covering both the physiological and psychological impacts of caesarians. [I will be taking the offer up - but am finding reading time a bit limited at the moment :)] Now and again it occurs to me that lots of women elect caesarians and don't go through the heartache I have. Clearly I need to sort my thoughts out.
I will be re-visiting the VBAC discussions on the Homebirth UK group. Although I know it is possible to have a home birth second time around, I don't know how confident I feel about it. I spoke to a midwife at the Crowborough Birthing Centre today - to cancel my booking there. We got talking and she said that they don't usually accept VBAC cases. I think some of the fight has been knocked out of me by this whole experience. Time will no doubt heal that.
I'm sure I'll have more to write on this subject. But this is a starting point. I'm finding it difficult to read my emails from the Homebirth UK group without feeling upset.
Lastly, I hope I haven't offended anyone with my thoughts about caesarians and failure. I know they need some serious re-consideration. I will be doing just that over the next few weeks and probably months.
Diana Clement
Diana.clement at gmail.com
Update: Diana went on to have her second baby at home.
Pre-eclampsia and high blood pressure - other birth stories with these issues, from the "You can't have a home birth because..." page.
Transferring from a planned homebirth - why might it be advised, and thoughts and advice from mothers who've done it.
Vaginal Birth After Caesarean - what are the issues?
Homebirth UK email group email group
Caesarean.org.uk - support and information about caesarean birth and vaginal birth after caesarean.
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