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Dads allowed
With all the recent media talk of fatherhood, fathers at home and homebirth, our very own midwifery expert Kurt Barling reflects on his experience of his partner's labour and his, to date, fourteen challenging years as a parent.

The closer it gets to my children becoming independent, the more I need to know that my sacrifices as a father have not been taken for granted.   Perhaps that’s why the older I get the fonder I grow of Father’s day.  Even if there is a sneaking suspicion this is another unwarranted US import.

Parenthood is a strange thing. Before it starts it feels like it'll never happen; once it’s arrived it feels like you've always had children.

Last week I saw a figure quoted in the national press that around 98 percent of father's were present at the birth of their children. I'm a statistics sceptic, and that one seems particularly far fetched. But it's fair to say at least dads are allowed and positively encouraged these days to be present, a far cry from previous generations.

Frankly, I'm of the view that you don't really experience full-on parenting until you are truly outnumbered. As an outnumbered father of three I can highly recommend the experience.

Loonies

As parents-to-be we decided that the ideal way of minimising hospital intervention was to experience the final stages of pregnancy at home. Homebirth was deemed fit only for total loonies so with our first child it took some persuasion to get the NHS to accept our decision.

We were fortunate enough to live in the London Borough of Lewisham which had pioneered a fresh approach to homebirth by introducing a homebirth midwifery team that specialised in giving parents the option.

"To be an effective parent you need, like in a good marriage, to embrace the idea of compromise in all areas not least in your career."
Kurt Barling

Unfortunately in the London NHS the pendulum has begun to swing the other way again.  Such teams are seen to be an inefficient way to use scarce resources.   Cutbacks are making it more difficult for some parents to have their birth experience at home.

Of course if your partner decides she wants a homebirth, the father-to-be had better get involved because he might be left holding the baby sooner than he imagines.

Bond

That's precisely what happened to my wife and I with our third child. It is rule of thumb in childbirth that each labour gets shorter. So we were forewarned that the final stages for number three could be short. But 15 minutes was certainly not something any of us had anticipated.

The midwife who lived just a couple of miles away was called at 5.10 am but by the time she arrived at 5.25 my son's head had already presented itself.  It was a choice of getting down a flight of stairs or waiting with my wife. In fact the baby came out in one movement and after settling my wife with the baby in her arms, I was able to let the midwife in.

Fortunately earlier that night I'd read a book which had warned expectant father’s never to cut the umbilical cord without a medically trained person in attendance if they delivered in an emergency. We got the other two children to do it when the midwife turned up instead and therein lies the bond between all five of us.

A nerve racking few minutes but probably the most intense happy moments I'm ever likely to experience. And that's not to underplay the joyous occasions that were the births of my other two children, both of which were homebirths.

Compromise

I recognise it is not an experience that everyone would want or could handle, but it has clearly influenced the way I've approached fatherhood. Firstly a father's place is at home, as much as possible. Secondly to be an effective parent you need, like in a good marriage, to embrace the idea of compromise in all areas not least in your career.

I got an early warning on this latter point. When my third child was barely a few months old I was reporting from a country in the final throes of dictatorship for the BBC. At an armed checkpoint drunken soldiers and police decided first to threaten to kill me by dropping me off a flyover. Then one soldier shoved an AK47 in my direction before finally they robbed me of a wad of fifty one dollar bills (I’m still convinced they thought it was a lot more money).

In that instant I could think of little other than the birth of my last child. That success at helping life begin convinced me that this father of three should not risk his life to such unpredictable circumstances. Compromise dictated I change my professional lifestyle.

Few of us in this city will thankfully experience such drama. But it served to highlight the important role a father needs to play in the raising of his children. There are unfortunately too many young children who have absentee fathers. This is a tragedy for them; it also leaves a legacy for a community which, for example, often struggles to give young boys a sense of who they are in a fast changing world.

Proud

Of course that's all the worthy stuff. It wouldn't be fair to avoid the fact that being a father can also be colossal fun. Oh yes, and all those things you could never quite managed as a child. Perhaps you'll get the chance to achieve them after all, through your children with a little encouragement!

Sometimes the lifestyles we lead in the capital do not appear to easily fit an idealised version of parenthood. But with the responsibilities that come with raising a family, I venture, comes the challenge to master the art of compromise.

And I'm not too proud to admit that if I don't get at least three cards next year, I'll be gutted.

last updated: 11/08/06

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